A Portland Brawl

I wouldn’t normally think a bar fight would be worthy blog material, but that was before I experienced my first Portland brawl.

Attending Omaha North High School growing up, I saw my fair share of fights. Three stick out in my mind: one in the cafeteria where the dueling pair ended up on my table, and my lunch ended up on my lap. Another where one girl grabbed another girl by her weave and banged her head repeatedly on the ground. And no North High graduate can forget the riot that happened on Ames after school one day that closed down the entire street. Since my high school days, however, fights in my life have tamed. A typical bar fight in Kansas City is two drunken meatheads shoving one another, waiting for their friends to jump in and stop it so they don’t actually have to throw a punch.

But this bar brawl on Friday night at Portland’s Sassy Jack’s takes the cake for my favorite fight ever. This brawl was done in true Portland fashion.

One of the best things about Portland is that it’s very laid back and slow. Places open later in the day than they do in the Midwest. No one is ever really in a big hurry. It’s a very roll-with-the-punches type of town. So it only makes sense that a bar scuffle would follow suit.

Sassy Jack’s is a small place. When we walked in Friday night, there weren’t many people there. It wasn’t within 15 minutes of being there that a big mass of boys rolled by our table. A fight had broken out!

It was probably 7 on 7 – which made up for half of the occupants of the bar. But they were moving awfully slow for a fight. I didn’t see a single punch thrown. There was no broken glass. No knocked over tables… only gently shoved aside tables. There was no blood, only a few spilled karaoke cards and a lost shoe. We rescued our beers and stood up to watch as the mass of bodies rolled around on the ground.

This lasted for several minutes. Finally, the bartender and another man were able to gingerly maneuver the body ball, and it rolled out onto the street. It was as if the fight was happening in slow motion… minus the cool special effects. They’re like, “Hey man, we’re in Portland, let’s take this fight slow. No need to get upset about it.” I’ve never seen such a slow, non-violent, long-lasting fight in my life. It totally defied all typical fight characteristics.

And to make the situation even more entertaining, while the boys were brawling, a man was singing karaoke. He didn’t stop or miss a single beat.